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Posts tagged ‘Avalonia’

Jehovah’s Witnesses – EA Vol. II


Jehovah's Witnesses

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II …

Jehovah’s Witnesses took their name after successfully providing evidence for the prosecution in the landmark trial of Jehovah vs. Jehovah.

Legal history was made when the court awarded Jehovah (the Father) custody rights over Jehovah (The Son). In so doing it dismissed the claims of Jehovah (The Holy Ghost), partly on the grounds that her/his evidence was immaterial and her/his case lacked all substance, but mainly because she/he was invisible and thus it was unsafe in law for the court to even presume her/his presence in the witness box. Summing up, the judge said that she had never seen anything like it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses meanwhile, having gained a taste for court-room drama, now go around hurling wild accusations at the drop of a mitre. In Avalonia for instance, a local raconteur and part-time spiv was accused by one such Witness of being a Satanist on the grounds that he has a black cat called Lucifer.

His case comes up next February.

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The Indian Nation – EA Vol. VII


Tipi Circle3

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

It says much for the broad-minded tolerance of Avalonian citizens that they permit, even encourage, an entire separate country (the Indian Nation) to share their sovereign territory.

Being a tribal confederacy, the Indian Nation maintain strong links with their blood-brothers and blood-sisters outside of Avalonia – the semi-nomadic Tribe of Doris, for example, or the Black Valley Tipi Tribe, who are normally confined to a Reservation in mid-Wales.

Local pow-wows usually take place in the Glastonbury Assembly Rooms and are sometimes attended by Chieftains and Medicine People from the ancestral homelands in North America. These emissaries have exotic names like Sun Bear (no relation to Yogi), Harley Swiftdeer (runner-up in the 2001 Isle of Man TT), Dreamwalker (cousin to Sleepwalker) and Fire Wolf (Incendia Lupus).

Tribal members typically start their day by eating food derived from ‘power-plants’ (Cornflakes or Weetabix for instance) – whence the origin of the term ‘power-breakfast’. This is usually followed by a pipe ceremony which – depending on the size of the pipe, the power of its ‘power-contents’ and the number of participants – usually takes care of the rest of the day quite nicely.

At dusk, a ‘sweat lodge’ is normally taken to rid the body of the toxins absorbed from the pipe ceremony. Hot stones are placed in a small pit at the centre of a makeshift sauna. Since it is quite dark inside the sweat lodge, participants are very careful not to sit in the ‘power-spot’ as the resulting burns can be quite painful and the treatment of these (see below) even worse.

Before retiring to their tipis for the night, some tribal members take their ‘power-animal’ for a last walk, whilst others ritually strike their nearest neighbour with a false hair-piece. This obscure act, known as a ‘wig-wam’, usually causes little damage unless performed by an important tribal elder (aka a big-wig).

Any serious injuries brings into play a ‘Medicine Wheel’ – the Indian Nation’s main healing device. This large and heavy artefact is slowly rolled over the patient’s body. It does not effect a cure, but the severe pain induced does cause the victim to forget whatever it was they originally complained of.

The Indian Nation:

  • Favourite colour: Red
  • Tribal refuge: The Tipi Circle (Glastonbury Festival, Worthy Farm)
  • Favourite saying: Ho ! (a Hopi Indian expression of supportive concurrence, as in “Here, here”, or “Right On”, or “I’ll drink to that”)
  • Favourite power-spot: The King’s Field Totem Pole (Worthy Farm) [also see “Green Gatherings, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII]
  • Tribal motto: “A peace-pipe a day keeps the Medicine Wheel away”
  • Most common illness: None admitted
  • Least favourite sport: Squash
  • Least favourite vegetable: As above

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The Shambananas – EA Vol. XIX


Ice Crystals

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIX …

With the Shambananas one hardly knows where to begin, but it is widely supposed that the Shambhala Healing Centre, below the south-eastern slopes of Glastonbury Tor, is as good a place as any.

An entry concerning the Shambananas in EA Vol. XVIII says “see Special Issue”, but the last remaining copy of this latter tome is rumoured to have been snatched off the market and buried, under lock and key, beneath the large crystal star that is set in the Healing Centre’s patio. According to Shambananan dowsers, this star marks the exact cosmic energy centre of Planet Earth. The tribal elders continue to thank the “Starry Ones” for siting this on the patio and not in the nearby kitchen, as this has avoided countless domestic rows over where to put the food-mixer, or whether to mop the floor.

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Swami Bharmi’s Ashram Acolytes – EA Vol. XIX


Swami

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIX …

The Swami has an indeterminate number of followers and has lived an indeterminate number of lives … although his penultimate descent to the samsaric plane is examined in a forthcoming book – ‘An Incarnation of Swami Bharmi’ – by Master Bruce Garrard.

Whilst the Swami’s full titular name is ‘His Holiness Sri Ananda Jacaranda Swamiji Bharmiji Ji’, he is known to his closest acolytes simply as Swami Bharmi (the ‘h’ is silent, unlike the guru himself).

The Swami’s interest in Avalonia began when his legal adviser informed him, mistakenly as it turned out, of a massive influx to the area from Greenland. He realised instantly that only a spiritual power-centre of enormous potency could have induced these Inuits to abandon their blow-holes and head south. Curiosity piqued, he resolved to leave his far mountain ashram and question these sweaty immigrants.

His Holiness slipped into Glastonbury almost unnoticed, for his reputation receded him. And then, after 23 weeks of meditation atop the Tor (making ready to visit the settlers at Greenlands Farm), he descended to his very patient band of followers and established his reputation as a guru of true Avalonian pedigree by declaring, “Nothing Once Known is Never Forgotten”.

Swami Bharmi’s Ashram Acolytes:

  • Tribal refuge: The Ashram
  • Favourite colour: Bardic Brown
  • Favourite Only food: A grain of rice (Ambrosia Creamed Rice during bi-millennial festivals).
  • Favourite drink: Buddhaweiser Beer
  • Favourite perfume: Lotus Oil
  • Favourite car: Lotus Élan.
  • Favourite TV programme: Highway to Heaven
  • Favourite dance: The Tao Step
  • Susceptible to: Lhasa Fever. Also Zenaphobia.
  • Patron saint: Philip the Punter
  • Tribal motto: ‘I am that I am’ (1st person singular). Otherwise translated as ‘The Swami is that he is’ (3rd acolyte singular).

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Medieval Brigands (The Convoy) – EA. Vol. XIII


medieval brigands

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIII (unlucky for some) …

“Medieval Brigand” is synonymous with “member of The Convoy“ – being another name for a Hedge Monkey (see here) who has finally “obtained” a suitable vehicle and thus been accepted as a fully-fledged Convoy-ite. The rites of initiation are too gruesome to describe in any detail here[1], but those who make it aboard are then said to have ‘oiled their back axles’.

An early reference to The Convoy stems from Stonehenge in June 1976. The authorities had intended to stop the annual Stonehenge Festival, but these plans were pre-empted when a convoy of vehicles (henceforth the Convoy) arrived on-site, hot drive from Challacombe Free Festival on Exmoor.

The Government put out the story that it was powerless to act because the ancient monument had been hi-jacked, and that any attempt to evict the festival-goers would likely result in hippies destroying the Stones. At this point The Convoy’s image had become that of a monstrous line of ships on a dark, storm-tossed sea – steaming without signals or lights, and leaving a trail of damaged police cars.

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Green Party Loyalists – EA Vol. VII


Green Party2

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

Green Party Loyalists – some of whom reside in Avalonia – are deeply wedded to the notion that a political party is needed as the cutting edge of an otherwise blunt, wider green movement.

The Loyalists pledge die-hard allegiance to a grouping known as the ‘Ghost Cabinet’ – an inner party committee that currently shadows the Labour Party’s ‘Shadow Cabinet’, which in turn (and outside of Avalonia of course) shadows the Cabinet of Her Majesty’s current government.

Having created a Ghost Cabinet, many Loyalists have spoken loyally as to why they needed take the ‘next logical step’ and create the post of Party Leader (i.e. Ghost Prime Minister). The argument proffered was that the Party needs a Leader so that the Queen will know whom to invite for tea at Buckingham Palace when they win a thumping great majority in Parliament at the next election (or perhaps, at most, the next election after that).

All aspiring leaders within the Party are thus carefully scrutinised by Loyalists as to their table manners. But this has been the downfall of more than one candidate: Iron Sid for example, whose years in the wild Welsh mountains took their toll when his predilection for skinning rabbits with a six-inch Bowie knife proved totally unacceptable to the Loyalist-dominated selection committee.

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The Star-Gazers – EA Vol. XVIII


astrology

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XVIII …

In Avalonia they’re big on Astrology – and getting bigger all the time since interest is booming. As one local astrologer said: “… when it comes to our stars, the sky’s the limit.”

This boom was confirmed by a local newspaper (The Central Somerset Garotte) which, under the headline ’Alternative’ Businesses Boost Job Figures, reported that:

“A rush of new businesses, mostly in sectors usually described as ‘alternative’, have been transforming the local employment rates according to the latest figures released by the Ministry of Retrenchment. They reveal that out of a record 50 new jobs ‘created’ in the area … there were: 29 astrologers (our emphasis), 11 workshop leaders, 19 New Age Gurus, 8 wholefood businesses, 16 therapists and 23 anarchist revolutionaries working to overthrow the State.”

Many Avalonians (especially the anarchist revolutionaries) quite openly check their aspects and transits for the day before sitting down to breakfast. In justification they point to the woman who, being a Piscean anarchist, decided one day to wait till elevenses before checking her starry portents. She thus munched her Rice Krispies in total groklessness of Neptune’s retrograde motion semi-sextile to her natal Moon in the 8th House, choked on the “free gift with every cereal box” (a miniature plastic fish) and thereby effected an early arrival in that great autonomous confederacy in the sky.

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Green Gatherings (1)


Green Collective

I’d been one of the organisers of these outdoor camps for several years prior to my formally becoming a citizen of Avalonia and acquiring the associated passport. Aside from the Gathering at Molesworth air-base (of which more another time), they had all taken place not far from Glastonbury and held over a five or six day period …

I remember one Green Gathering in particular. There were kid’s areas, women’s areas, men’s areas and areas for those of indeterminate gender, age and I.Q. There were even areas for areas.

There were hot showers and even hotter sweat lodges. There were domes and pyramids. There were workshops on a hundred and one subjects, including one on Advanced Telepathy … which was not advertised because the attendees would know when and where. There were drugs and hugs. There were geese, goats, rabbits, mice, cats and dogs, horses and donkeys. There were stalls, cafés and Vinnie’s Cider Palace. There were puppets, clowns, jugglers, acrobats and Wild Tree Man Jumping Crazy drumming live up a tree.

There were also The Milk Float Wars, police road-blocks and a mass outbreak of amoebic dysentery.

In short (with the exception of the dysentery, which lasted pretty long), we aimed to provide something for everyone, including the doctors.

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Irish Rovers – EA Vol. IX


  Irish Rovers4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. IX …

The Irish Rovers (plural) should more accurately be called the Irish Rover (singular), because this tribe – with the exception of the Hobbits, and also the Church of the Unitarian – is the smallest in Avalonia.

The Irish Rover would in fact be surprised if you told him that he is in Avalonia, for the only thing he remembers each morning is the punch that knocked him out the night before. Sporting wild red hair, a battered red face and a boys-o’-the-black-stuff bobble hat, the Irish Rover has achieved a unique double in bodily-status: the only living being to be both permanently drunk and punch-drunk at one and the same time.

He has reached this exalted state by means of several, carefully-planned techniques. For starters, he never stops drinking unless overtaken, one way or another, by unconsciousness.

Secondly, he is master of the gratuitous insult. On discovering that someone is English, for example, he immediately shouts “You English bastard”. In the tourist season his repertoire expands, with variations ranging from “You German dickhead” and “You Finnish swine” to “You Estonian wanker”. If all else fails he seeks a different target group and lets fly with “You fucking biker” or “Sod off, you pig-faced skinhead”.

Thirdly, he never gives up. If an insult does not at first succeed in provoking, he tries and tries again (being indeed very trying). Such patience brings its own reward, often in the form of a visit to the local hospital.

Anthropologists from the University of Avalon have placed the Irish Rovers on their list of endangered tribes.

Irish Rovers:

  • Tribal refuge: Currently the Rifleman’s Arms
  • Favourite colour: Emerald Green, spangled with Scrumpy Orange and flecked with Bloody Nose Red
  • Favourite drink: Rubbing Alcohol, or else Punch
  • Favourite food: Guinness
  • Favourite film: Rocky XXIII
  • Tribal motto: “Veni, Vidi, Vinsulti” (I came, I saw, I insulted)

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Stonehenge Freedom Fighters – EA Vol. XVIII


Stonehenge1  Stonehenge4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XVIII …

The history of the ‘People’s Free Festival’ at Stonehenge is long and complex. It’s nearly as long and complex as the history of Stonehenge itself, and far too long and complex to do proper injustice here. Nonetheless, a brief summary is desirable …

Way back in the early 1960s, Mods and Rockers were in the habit of spending just one night, at the time of the Summer Solstice, on opposite sides of a very narrow trackway at Stonehenge. During the brief hours of darkness a temporary truce to hostilities was called, but this always ended when the first rays of dawn hit the Heel Stone. There were never any serious fatalities.

The first real Stonehenge Festival took place in 1975; the last in 1984, when Big Brother was watching just a little too closely. The Stonehenge Freedom Fighters took shape as an underground movement soon after, gaining especial impetus following the notorious “Battle of the Beanfield” in June 1985, when over 500 travellers on their way to Stonehenge were rounded up and arrested by the police.

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