a maze of words leading to …?


  Irish Rovers4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. IX …

The Irish Rovers (plural) should more accurately be called the Irish Rover (singular), because this tribe – with the exception of the Hobbits, and also the Church of the Unitarian – is the smallest in Avalonia.

The Irish Rover would in fact be surprised if you told him that he is in Avalonia, for the only thing he remembers each morning is the punch that knocked him out the night before. Sporting wild red hair, a battered red face and a boys-o’-the-black-stuff bobble hat, the Irish Rover has achieved a unique double in bodily-status: the only living being to be both permanently drunk and punch-drunk at one and the same time.

He has reached this exalted state by means of several, carefully-planned techniques. For starters, he never stops drinking unless overtaken, one way or another, by unconsciousness.

Secondly, he is master of the gratuitous insult. On discovering that someone is English, for example, he immediately shouts “You English bastard”. In the tourist season his repertoire expands, with variations ranging from “You German dickhead” and “You Finnish swine” to “You Estonian wanker”. If all else fails he seeks a different target group and lets fly with “You fucking biker” or “Sod off, you pig-faced skinhead”.

Thirdly, he never gives up. If an insult does not at first succeed in provoking, he tries and tries again (being indeed very trying). Such patience brings its own reward, often in the form of a visit to the local hospital.

Anthropologists from the University of Avalon have placed the Irish Rovers on their list of endangered tribes.

Irish Rovers:

  • Tribal refuge: Currently the Rifleman’s Arms
  • Favourite colour: Emerald Green, spangled with Scrumpy Orange and flecked with Bloody Nose Red
  • Favourite drink: Rubbing Alcohol, or else Punch
  • Favourite food: Guinness
  • Favourite film: Rocky XXIII
  • Tribal motto: “Veni, Vidi, Vinsulti” (I came, I saw, I insulted)

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