There’s no doubt that the Republican party is becoming more and more extreme in its views. Is it perhaps even getting dangerously close to threatening US democracy itself?
It’s not just that the majority of Republicans in Congress have, during the entire Obama administration, focused almost exclusively on trying to damage and block the President rather than seeking what’s in the best interests of governing the country. Much worse, some leading Republicans are now seeking to place their version of ‘Christian beliefs’ in opposition to democracy itself.
A few examples:
- Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee describes the laws legalising gay marriage as “judicial tyranny”, vows to “fight to defend religious liberty at all costs” and says “I hope we answer the alarm clock and take this nation back for Christ.”
He has also endorsed comments from the President of the Southern Baptist Convention, namely that “… the Supreme Court is not the final authority … the Bible is God’s final authority … and on this book we stand.”
- Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum: “This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies [Satan] has his sights on ….. the United States of America.”
- A statement on the official Republican Party 2012 platform said “The Founders of the American Republic universally agree that democracy presupposes a moral people (my emphasis) …”
The same official website highlighted George Washington’s notion that “the propitious smiles of Heaven can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right which Heaven itself has ordained.” It went on to proclaim that “… our rights come from God.”
When you put such inflammatory statements together with the Republicans’ huge emphasis on ‘gun rights’ – especially gun rights in relation to their supposed role in preventing any government tyranny – then you have a potentially explosive mixture.
In this mixture you have gun-toting “Christians” being egged on to regard their version of morality as above the law, above democracy and – since “rights come from God” – above constitutional rights as decided by mere humans.
Whether this Republican drift towards extremism will win them the next presidential election seems doubtful. And despite losing the last two presidential contests, many Republicans still don’t seem to twig the fact that the majority of Americans just don’t support – and likely will never support – a bible-thumping, homophobic and quasi-misogynist agenda.
So if the Republican party loses yet again – and this time to not only to a woman, but a woman called Hillary Clinton – then might we see their anti-democratic rhetoric transformed into something more sinister?
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX …
Russian Orthodox Christians (ROCs) are pillars of the establishment who take a highly conventional – not to say orthodox – view of things.
In the ROC version of heaven everything runs along traditional lines, with Russian-speakers receiving the protection that they apparently need and Archangel Vladimir eventually sitting at God’s right-hand, tasked with making sure that everyone toes the line.
This task should not be too difficult, since only ROCs are allowed into ROC-heaven … except for a small corner allocated to their religious cousins – Greek, Serbian and other Orthodox Christians – on the understanding that they learn to speak Russian and engage in intense study of the principles of oligarchy.
Aside from watching gangster films, the main leisure activities in ROC heaven involve staging re-enactments of the glories of Russian history and drawing up lists of moral deviants, mainly those who don’t worship God Archangel Vladimir, for consignment to hell.
ROCs have a problem with hell, however. Its hot temperature sits uneasily with the Russian tradition of sending deviants to Gulags in the frozen Siberian wastes, whilst true believers go on holiday to the warmer climes of Crimea. Why, say the ROCs, should deviants ever be allowed to enjoy the warm locations, when these have always been historically part of Russia?
Luckily, the Archangel has a plan …
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX …
In Avalonia, House Christians are devout agoraphobics who thus rarely, if ever, venture out from their homes.
The only known exception was struck by a falling roof tile as she stepped out from her front door. And although an insurance policy covered such “Acts of God”, this official designation was taken by other House Christians as proof of their wise precautions.
One such other attempted to take things further, by seeking insurance against another possible Act of God, namely not being admitted to heaven come Resurrection Day.
Whilst several companies were eager to offer such a policy, the key issue was how proof of any claim would be provided. Negotiations broke down at this point, mainly because the House Christian concerned stated that, due to said agoraphobia, he would not be willing to leave Hell once there in order to testify regarding this final destination.
He also refused to countenance a post-mortem corroborative visit to hell by any insurance claim-checker … on the grounds that all insurance company employees were going to hell anyway and he didn’t see why they should be favoured over him by a chance to prepare properly via an advance look.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XVIII …
Anabaptists are the direct opposite of Baptists … just as anarchy is the opposite of any form of external rule (e.g. monarchy) and analysis is the opposite of synthesis.
Thus, whilst members of both sects are baptised by immersion in a river, Anabaptists are always immersed in proximity to the left river bank and Baptists exclusively favour being close to the opposite right bank.
The ‘left’ or ‘right’ is defined in relation to facing downstream. This approach works well most of the time, but is fatally flawed when spring high tides occur in locations where the river meets the sea and the localised river flow is thus temporarily halted. In such cases, both sects get confused as to which way to face. The result is sometimes that these antagonistic rivals both attempt to stage baptisms near to the same river bank … leading, as we might well imagine, to royal punch-ups and even the odd drowning.
It is therefore no surprise that Anabaptists define ‘heaven’ as meaning the total absence of Baptists (and vice-versa). And it is for this reason that God – in his (or her) infinite wisdom – tossed a coin aeons ago to decide which of these two sects should go to the real heaven and which should be sent to hell … on the entirely reasonable grounds that even those sent to hell would deem it to be heaven due to the absence of the others and thereby be entirely satisfied and happy.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. III …
Protestantism began with Martin Luther, a 16th century German priest who protested against Papal rule by nailing a list of complaints – especially ecclesiastical tardiness – to a cathedral door in the German town of Worms.
This list is known as the Diet of Worms. Thereafter, German church services always ran on time and parishioners accused of being late couldn’t wriggle out of it.
In pondering this uprising against papal rule, some religiously-inclined entomologists draw an analogy to rare, but well-documented cases of insect rebellions … in particular citing examples in which protest-ants have moved to topple their hive leader.
However, some Protestants object to being likened to insects, insisting that it’s Catholics who most deserve this description since – due to the papal ban on contraceptives – they tend to breed like flies.
 Though Catholics call it a can of worms.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XI …
Catholics in Avalonia, like Catholics everywhere, look to their parish priest for guidance.
The parish priest – usually called Father O’Malley – looks in turn to his Bishop. The Bishop looks to the Cardinal. The Cardinal looks to the Pope. The Pope looks to God …
God looks embarrassed.
God’s embarrassment is not surprising, since Catholics believe that every sperm is sacred. They also believe that all Catholics are cool hipsters – i.e. there are no wankers amongst them.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX ….
Methodists are just that – methodical. In their systematic search for Truth they leave few stones unturned and are therefore not welcome at Stonehenge.
There is method even in their madness, and for this reason the “method school” of acting is named after them.
This should not be confused with the “rhythm method” of Catholic thespians, who will only agree to full performances at certain times of the month, tending otherwise to withdraw from the stage before the play has reached its climax.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XIV …
Unitarians, as their name suggests, believe in one thing and one thing only – Unity.
They thus believe that it doesn’t really matter what they believe as long as they all believe the same thing.
Unhappily this rather vague doctrine has proved somewhat too shallow a basis for cementing congregational loyalty … so their flock has gradually fallen by the wayside, leaving just one member. The Unitarian Church – now called the Church of the Unitarian – has thus perfected its doctrinal expression and is finally assured of a stable future.
 Many have become Trinitarians – i.e. ex-Unitarians who are in three minds about it.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XII …
Mormons are polygamous, but in practice this is difficult since very few women wish to live by a salt-encrusted lake in Utah.
Mormons believe that baptism by total immersion is necessary for salvation. This is unfortunate because the salt in question is highly corrosive. Luckily however, converts can now be baptised by proxy, for a fee, at the Mormon HQ in Salt Lake City. The life-volunteer who is used for this must face a daily average of around 500 salty dunkings. At first he didn’t mind too much, but has since become somewhat bitter.
Mormon followers include Donny Osmond and his brother disciple Jimmy.
Officially speaking the chief object of Mormon veneration is a hippy-like figure from Nazareth who loved people. But unofficially they prefer Jimmy’s hymn about a long-haired lover from Liverpool.
The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II …
Jehovah’s Witnesses took their name after successfully providing evidence for the prosecution in the landmark trial of Jehovah vs. Jehovah.
Legal history was made when the court awarded Jehovah (the Father) custody rights over Jehovah (The Son). In so doing it dismissed the claims of Jehovah (The Holy Ghost), partly on the grounds that her/his evidence was immaterial and her/his case lacked all substance, but mainly because she/he was invisible and thus it was unsafe in law for the court to even presume her/his presence in the witness box. Summing up, the judge said that she had never seen anything like it.
Jehovah’s Witnesses meanwhile, having gained a taste for court-room drama, now go around hurling wild accusations at the drop of a mitre. In Avalonia for instance, a local raconteur and part-time spiv was accused by one such Witness of being a Satanist on the grounds that he has a black cat called Lucifer.
His case comes up next February.