Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIX …
With the Shambananas one hardly knows where to begin, but it is widely supposed that the Shambhala Healing Centre, below the south-eastern slopes of Glastonbury Tor, is as good a place as any.
An entry concerning the Shambananas in EA Vol. XVIII says “see Special Issue”, but the last remaining copy of this latter tome is rumoured to have been snatched off the market and buried, under lock and key, beneath the large crystal star that is set in the Healing Centre’s patio. According to Shambananan dowsers, this star marks the exact cosmic energy centre of Planet Earth. The tribal elders continue to thank the “Starry Ones” for siting this on the patio and not in the nearby kitchen, as this has avoided countless domestic rows over where to put the food-mixer, or whether to mop the floor.
Shambananan creation myths hold that our Solar System is the result of an inter-galactic romance between Lucifer and a Star Commander called Ashtar, though tribal cosmologists deny any parallels with the Big Bang theory and are scandalised by allied speculation about the origins of the Milky Way.
The “Starry Ones”, we may deduce, were also born from this cosmic coupling. They keep in regular touch with the Shambananan High Priestess through the simple expedient of sending cassette tapes by registered post. These tapes describe, for instance, “how, throughout time, our beloved planet has been protected by divine beings of light called the Ashtar Command.” Complaints from some tribal members that these sound more like a death squad from Guatemala are of no avail. Besides, this minority of wimpish moaners are in no position to argue since there are apparently “144,000 ships of light surrounding the Earth and numerous craft from other worlds.”
All in all it’s pretty crowded up there. Avalonians can only hope they don’t all want shore-leave at the same time, as there’s doubt in some quarters as to whether local B & B facilities would cope.
One set of tapes were posted by Merlin. In typically down-beat fashion they are titled Prehistory: The Missing Records from Creation to the End of Atlantis. Tape number 2 in this series – containing everything you ever wanted to know about pre-history, but were too scared to ask – is called The Great War in Orion.
Some of its content was of course bound to leak out in the end (just like the Milky Way). And ordinary Glastafari, hearing the rumours, can only hope that this Great War is not linked with “the truth about evacuation and the Ashtar Command”, nor with the apparent fact that the Earth is now some kind of planetary fortress requiring protection from the 144,000 ships of light and numerous other craft as cited (and orbiting) above.
In contrast, some Glastonburgers think that if the war in Orion is not yet over, we should all be told now, before the Glastafarian draft-dodgers have a chance to get organised. One Glastonbaron is quoted as saying, “Hell, I love my planet and I’ll blast those pinko Orionoles from here to the Crab Nebulae any time that Commander Ashtar says ‘go’. You’d better believe it, son. I love the smell of burning asteroids in the morning.”
Another series of tapes – postmarked Greece – contain guided meditations from Pallas Athena (though it remains unclear how these will help in the middle of a war zone). Tribal gossips whisper that Zeus, Apollo and other Olympian has-beens now regret not signing similar distribution deals when given the chance by Hollywood agency Solara’s Celestial Celebrities (Inc.).
- Tribal refuge: Shambhala Healing Centre.
- Favourite soap star: Crystal Gayle.
- Favourite food: Bananas; Nuts.
- Favourite colours: Light White and White Light.
- Favourite drink: Light Ale.
 Not to be confused with Merlin the Biker-Prophet.