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Posts tagged ‘The tribes of Christanity’

Anabaptists – EA. Vol. XVIII


The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XVIII …

Anabaptists are the direct opposite of Baptists … just as anarchy is the opposite of any form of external rule (e.g. monarchy) and analysis is the opposite of synthesis.

Thus, whilst members of both sects are baptised by immersion in a river, Anabaptists are always immersed in proximity to the left river bank and Baptists exclusively favour being close to the opposite right bank.

The ‘left’ or ‘right’ is defined in relation to facing downstream. This approach works well most of the time, but is fatally flawed when spring high tides occur in locations where the river meets the sea and the localised river flow is thus temporarily halted. In such cases, both sects get confused as to which way to face. The result is sometimes that these antagonistic rivals both attempt to stage baptisms near to the same river bank … leading, as we might well imagine, to royal punch-ups and even the odd drowning.

It is therefore no surprise that Anabaptists define ‘heaven’ as meaning the total absence of Baptists (and vice-versa). And it is for this reason that God – in his (or her) infinite wisdom – tossed a coin aeons ago to decide which of these two sects should go to the real heaven and which should be sent to hell … on the entirely reasonable grounds that even those sent to hell would deem it to be heaven due to the absence of the others and thereby be entirely satisfied and happy.

Protestants – EA Vol. III


The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. III …

Protestantism began with Martin Luther, a 16th century German priest who protested against Papal rule by nailing a list of complaints – especially ecclesiastical tardiness – to a cathedral door in the German town of Worms.

This list is known as the Diet of Worms[1]. Thereafter, German church services always ran on time and parishioners accused of being late couldn’t wriggle out of it.

In pondering this uprising against papal rule, some religiously-inclined entomologists draw an analogy to rare, but well-documented cases of insect rebellions … in particular citing examples in which protest-ants have moved to topple their hive leader.

However, some Protestants object to being likened to insects, insisting that it’s Catholics who most deserve this description since – due to the papal ban on contraceptives – they tend to breed like flies.

[1] Though Catholics call it a can of worms.

Catholics – EA. Vol. XI


The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XI …

Catholics in Avalonia, like Catholics everywhere, look to their parish priest for guidance.

The parish priest – usually called Father O’Malley – looks in turn to his Bishop. The Bishop looks to the Cardinal. The Cardinal looks to the Pope. The Pope looks to God …

God looks embarrassed.

God’s embarrassment is not surprising, since Catholics believe that every sperm is sacred. They also believe that all Catholics are cool hipsters – i.e. there are no wankers amongst them.

Restorationist Christians – EA Vol. XV

Alfred the Great

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XV ….

Restorationist Christians pray for the restoration of what they see as true royalty – the Saxon line of King Alfred the Great – to the throne of England.

In Avalonia they hold regular outdoor services in the Athelney marshes, one-time fortress hiding place of Alfred. But their main HQ is the King Alfred Orthodox Christian Centre on Glastonbury’s Fisher’s Hill.

A window in their HQ displays a rather lurid postcard. It depicts the Resurrection – or “Restoration” as they call it – where those who are Right enter Buckingham Palace, whilst those who are Wrong are cast by Alfred’s descendants into a fiery pit that bears more than a passing resemblance to the oven where the King is said to have burnt his cakes.

Methodists – EA Vol. IX


The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX ….

Methodists are just that – methodical. In their systematic search for Truth they leave few stones unturned and are therefore not welcome at Stonehenge.

There is method even in their madness, and for this reason the “method school” of acting is named after them.

This should not be confused with the “rhythm method” of Catholic thespians, who will only agree to full performances at certain times of the month, tending otherwise to withdraw from the stage before the play has reached its climax.

Unitarians – EA Vol. XIV


The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XIV …

Unitarians, as their name suggests, believe in one thing and one thing only – Unity.

They thus believe that it doesn’t really matter what they believe as long as they all believe the same thing.

Unhappily this rather vague doctrine has proved somewhat too shallow a basis for cementing congregational loyalty … so their flock has gradually fallen by the wayside[1], leaving just one member. The Unitarian Church – now called the Church of the Unitarian – has thus perfected its doctrinal expression and is finally assured of a stable future.

[1] Many have become Trinitarians – i.e. ex-Unitarians who are in three minds about it.

Mormons – EA Vol. XII

Mormon1 Mormon3

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XII …

Mormons are polygamous, but in practice this is difficult since very few women wish to live by a salt-encrusted lake in Utah.

Mormons believe that baptism by total immersion is necessary for salvation. This is unfortunate because the salt in question is highly corrosive. Luckily however, converts can now be baptised by proxy, for a fee, at the Mormon HQ in Salt Lake City. The life-volunteer who is used for this must face a daily average of around 500 salty dunkings. At first he didn’t mind too much, but has since become somewhat bitter.

Mormon followers include Donny Osmond and his brother disciple Jimmy.

Officially speaking the chief object of Mormon veneration is a hippy-like figure from Nazareth who loved people. But unofficially they prefer Jimmy’s hymn about a long-haired lover from Liverpool.

Jehovah’s Witnesses – EA Vol. II

Jehovah's Witnesses

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II …

Jehovah’s Witnesses took their name after successfully providing evidence for the prosecution in the landmark trial of Jehovah vs. Jehovah.

Legal history was made when the court awarded Jehovah (the Father) custody rights over Jehovah (The Son). In so doing it dismissed the claims of Jehovah (The Holy Ghost), partly on the grounds that her/his evidence was immaterial and her/his case lacked all substance, but mainly because she/he was invisible and thus it was unsafe in law for the court to even presume her/his presence in the witness box. Summing up, the judge said that she had never seen anything like it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses meanwhile, having gained a taste for court-room drama, now go around hurling wild accusations at the drop of a mitre. In Avalonia for instance, a local raconteur and part-time spiv was accused by one such Witness of being a Satanist on the grounds that he has a black cat called Lucifer.

His case comes up next February.

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