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The Shambananas – EA Vol. XIX


Ice Crystals

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIX …

With the Shambananas one hardly knows where to begin, but it is widely supposed that the Shambhala Healing Centre, below the south-eastern slopes of Glastonbury Tor, is as good a place as any.

An entry concerning the Shambananas in EA Vol. XVIII says “see Special Issue”, but the last remaining copy of this latter tome is rumoured to have been snatched off the market and buried, under lock and key, beneath the large crystal star that is set in the Healing Centre’s patio. According to Shambananan dowsers, this star marks the exact cosmic energy centre of Planet Earth. The tribal elders continue to thank the “Starry Ones” for siting this on the patio and not in the nearby kitchen, as this has avoided countless domestic rows over where to put the food-mixer, or whether to mop the floor.

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Swami Bharmi’s Ashram Acolytes – EA Vol. XIX


Swami

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIX …

The Swami has an indeterminate number of followers and has lived an indeterminate number of lives … although his penultimate descent to the samsaric plane is examined in a forthcoming book – ‘An Incarnation of Swami Bharmi’ – by Master Bruce Garrard.

Whilst the Swami’s full titular name is ‘His Holiness Sri Ananda Jacaranda Swamiji Bharmiji Ji’, he is known to his closest acolytes simply as Swami Bharmi (the ‘h’ is silent, unlike the guru himself).

The Swami’s interest in Avalonia began when his legal adviser informed him, mistakenly as it turned out, of a massive influx to the area from Greenland. He realised instantly that only a spiritual power-centre of enormous potency could have induced these Inuits to abandon their blow-holes and head south. Curiosity piqued, he resolved to leave his far mountain ashram and question these sweaty immigrants.

His Holiness slipped into Glastonbury almost unnoticed, for his reputation receded him. And then, after 23 weeks of meditation atop the Tor (making ready to visit the settlers at Greenlands Farm), he descended to his very patient band of followers and established his reputation as a guru of true Avalonian pedigree by declaring, “Nothing Once Known is Never Forgotten”.

Swami Bharmi’s Ashram Acolytes:

  • Tribal refuge: The Ashram
  • Favourite colour: Bardic Brown
  • Favourite Only food: A grain of rice (Ambrosia Creamed Rice during bi-millennial festivals).
  • Favourite drink: Buddhaweiser Beer
  • Favourite perfume: Lotus Oil
  • Favourite car: Lotus Élan.
  • Favourite TV programme: Highway to Heaven
  • Favourite dance: The Tao Step
  • Susceptible to: Lhasa Fever. Also Zenaphobia.
  • Patron saint: Philip the Punter
  • Tribal motto: ‘I am that I am’ (1st person singular). Otherwise translated as ‘The Swami is that he is’ (3rd acolyte singular).

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The Star-Gazers – EA Vol. XVIII


astrology

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XVIII …

In Avalonia they’re big on Astrology – and getting bigger all the time since interest is booming. As one local astrologer said: “… when it comes to our stars, the sky’s the limit.”

This boom was confirmed by a local newspaper (The Central Somerset Garotte) which, under the headline ’Alternative’ Businesses Boost Job Figures, reported that:

“A rush of new businesses, mostly in sectors usually described as ‘alternative’, have been transforming the local employment rates according to the latest figures released by the Ministry of Retrenchment. They reveal that out of a record 50 new jobs ‘created’ in the area … there were: 29 astrologers (our emphasis), 11 workshop leaders, 19 New Age Gurus, 8 wholefood businesses, 16 therapists and 23 anarchist revolutionaries working to overthrow the State.”

Many Avalonians (especially the anarchist revolutionaries) quite openly check their aspects and transits for the day before sitting down to breakfast. In justification they point to the woman who, being a Piscean anarchist, decided one day to wait till elevenses before checking her starry portents. She thus munched her Rice Krispies in total groklessness of Neptune’s retrograde motion semi-sextile to her natal Moon in the 8th House, choked on the “free gift with every cereal box” (a miniature plastic fish) and thereby effected an early arrival in that great autonomous confederacy in the sky.

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Green Gatherings (1)


Green Collective

I’d been one of the organisers of these outdoor camps for several years prior to my formally becoming a citizen of Avalonia and acquiring the associated passport. Aside from the Gathering at Molesworth air-base (of which more another time), they had all taken place not far from Glastonbury and held over a five or six day period …

I remember one Green Gathering in particular. There were kid’s areas, women’s areas, men’s areas and areas for those of indeterminate gender, age and I.Q. There were even areas for areas.

There were hot showers and even hotter sweat lodges. There were domes and pyramids. There were workshops on a hundred and one subjects, including one on Advanced Telepathy … which was not advertised because the attendees would know when and where. There were drugs and hugs. There were geese, goats, rabbits, mice, cats and dogs, horses and donkeys. There were stalls, cafés and Vinnie’s Cider Palace. There were puppets, clowns, jugglers, acrobats and Wild Tree Man Jumping Crazy drumming live up a tree.

There were also The Milk Float Wars, police road-blocks and a mass outbreak of amoebic dysentery.

In short (with the exception of the dysentery, which lasted pretty long), we aimed to provide something for everyone, including the doctors.

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Irish Rovers – EA Vol. IX


  Irish Rovers4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. IX …

The Irish Rovers (plural) should more accurately be called the Irish Rover (singular), because this tribe – with the exception of the Hobbits, and also the Church of the Unitarian – is the smallest in Avalonia.

The Irish Rover would in fact be surprised if you told him that he is in Avalonia, for the only thing he remembers each morning is the punch that knocked him out the night before. Sporting wild red hair, a battered red face and a boys-o’-the-black-stuff bobble hat, the Irish Rover has achieved a unique double in bodily-status: the only living being to be both permanently drunk and punch-drunk at one and the same time.

He has reached this exalted state by means of several, carefully-planned techniques. For starters, he never stops drinking unless overtaken, one way or another, by unconsciousness.

Secondly, he is master of the gratuitous insult. On discovering that someone is English, for example, he immediately shouts “You English bastard”. In the tourist season his repertoire expands, with variations ranging from “You German dickhead” and “You Finnish swine” to “You Estonian wanker”. If all else fails he seeks a different target group and lets fly with “You fucking biker” or “Sod off, you pig-faced skinhead”.

Thirdly, he never gives up. If an insult does not at first succeed in provoking, he tries and tries again (being indeed very trying). Such patience brings its own reward, often in the form of a visit to the local hospital.

Anthropologists from the University of Avalon have placed the Irish Rovers on their list of endangered tribes.

Irish Rovers:

  • Tribal refuge: Currently the Rifleman’s Arms
  • Favourite colour: Emerald Green, spangled with Scrumpy Orange and flecked with Bloody Nose Red
  • Favourite drink: Rubbing Alcohol, or else Punch
  • Favourite food: Guinness
  • Favourite film: Rocky XXIII
  • Tribal motto: “Veni, Vidi, Vinsulti” (I came, I saw, I insulted)

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Stonehenge Freedom Fighters – EA Vol. XVIII


Stonehenge1  Stonehenge4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XVIII …

The history of the ‘People’s Free Festival’ at Stonehenge is long and complex. It’s nearly as long and complex as the history of Stonehenge itself, and far too long and complex to do proper injustice here. Nonetheless, a brief summary is desirable …

Way back in the early 1960s, Mods and Rockers were in the habit of spending just one night, at the time of the Summer Solstice, on opposite sides of a very narrow trackway at Stonehenge. During the brief hours of darkness a temporary truce to hostilities was called, but this always ended when the first rays of dawn hit the Heel Stone. There were never any serious fatalities.

The first real Stonehenge Festival took place in 1975; the last in 1984, when Big Brother was watching just a little too closely. The Stonehenge Freedom Fighters took shape as an underground movement soon after, gaining especial impetus following the notorious “Battle of the Beanfield” in June 1985, when over 500 travellers on their way to Stonehenge were rounded up and arrested by the police.

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Eco-pagans – EA. Vol. V


Woods   Makeshift structure4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. V …

The eco-pagans live in benders, domes, yurts and other shelters, hidden away in leafy glades and bushy coombes. But the encroachments of modern civilisation have forced these shy, rarely glimpsed peoples ever deeper into the woods and forests of Avalonia. Even worse, these last few descendants of ‘the folk’[1] must constantly hide from professional explorers sent by government to impose British citizenship and enforce compliance with housing regulations.

Amateur bounty-hunters, drawn locally from the ranks of Glastonburgers, join this relentless search, whilst officials from Sheepdip District Council aid the hue and cry with maps, satellite imaging and tracker-dogs. Yet against this whole panoply of the modern state and its vast array of detection techniques, the eco-pagans have only tree-craft, sling-shots and green skin.

At first sight it seems an unequal battle. But unbeknownst to the powers-that-be, the powers-that-were-and-will-be-again are with these plucky little folk. Yes, the Goddess is stirring; the Priestesses of the Nine-fold Muse evoke Her olden names and Pan of the Woods is once again abroad his ancient green domain.

Eco-pagans:

  • Tribal refuge: Unknown
  • Favourite Only colour: Green
  • Favourite film director: Woody Allen
  • Favourite drink: Root beer
  • Favourite model: Twiggy
  • Favourite composer: Johann Sebastian Bark
  • Tribal motto: I was, I will, I wood

 

[1] See “faery folk”, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. V. Also see “Britons, ancient” (EA, Vol. II) and “Studies in Racial Genotypes and Gene-Pool Mixing” (published by the Dept. of Anthropology, University of Avalon).

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Hedge Monkeys – EA Vol. VII


child-hole-in-hedge-1

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

Hedge Monkeys are fledgling members of The Convoy (see here in Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIII) who have not as yet found a Convoy to join … or even a live-in vehicle in which to Convoy.[1]

They do, however, have nearly the right sense of dress-code.[2] Enormous heavy boots, worn unlaced, are kept on at all times, even in the hottest heat wave. Dirty overcoats are de rigueur, as is dreadlocked, matted hair. Mud is glorified and cleanliness castigated as middle class, thus making a virtue out of necessity. The more fashion-conscious sport a cloth cap, a “twatting stick’“, and mangy dog (either a whippet or a Jack Russell) which they drag around on the end of a string lead.

The dog and stick are meant to give the impression of an earthy, rural, rabbit-hunting, tree-nutting, rogue ‘o the road life-style. However, most Hedge Monkeys are actually born and raised in London, and it is therefore no coincidence that “dog and stick” is in fact Cockney rhyming slang for “rural hick”.

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