Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …
They do, however, have nearly the right sense of dress-code. Enormous heavy boots, worn unlaced, are kept on at all times, even in the hottest heat wave. Dirty overcoats are de rigueur, as is dreadlocked, matted hair. Mud is glorified and cleanliness castigated as middle class, thus making a virtue out of necessity. The more fashion-conscious sport a cloth cap, a “twatting stick’“, and mangy dog (either a whippet or a Jack Russell) which they drag around on the end of a string lead.
The dog and stick are meant to give the impression of an earthy, rural, rabbit-hunting, tree-nutting, rogue ‘o the road life-style. However, most Hedge Monkeys are actually born and raised in London, and it is therefore no coincidence that “dog and stick” is in fact Cockney rhyming slang for “rural hick”.
At their best, Hedge Monkeys grow some way into this romantic image. At their worst, and this is sadly more usual, they tend to be surly, aggressive, self-pitying, pessimistic, nihilistic and negative. In mitigation, however, it must be noted that sleeping in ditches for any length of time would tend to make most people less than sunny.
All in all, it is thus that the landlord of the Rifleman’s Arms, a favourite Glastafarian watering hole, is apt to say to his customers at closing time, “C’mon now, let’s be havin’ you; haven’t you any hedges to go?”
- Tribal refuge: Hawthorn ditches; undergrowth; hedgerows of all types.
- Least favourite colour: Frost Blue.
- Tribal motto: “Non arborimicro Gambli” (Never bet your hedges).
- Favourite cricket ground: Hedgebaston.
- Favourite perfume: Eau d’toilet.
- Patron saint: St. Giro of Avalonia
 ‘Convoy’ – as in ‘to Convoy’ – is now accepted as a new verb in the English language. The exact means of its cultural transmission is unclear, but is thought to have begun with small bands of Hedge Monkeys discussing their hopes and dreams around bleak winter camp-fires.
 Try imagining the sartorial effect of being dragged through a hedge backwards. This precise visualisation, incidentally, is now a popular meditational practice in trendier Avalonian circles.
 See the forthcoming hagiography by Shamus Joy.