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Posts tagged ‘Encyclopaedia’

Medieval Brigands (The Convoy) – EA. Vol. XIII


medieval brigands

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIII (unlucky for some) …

“Medieval Brigand” is synonymous with “member of The Convoy“ – being another name for a Hedge Monkey (see here) who has finally “obtained” a suitable vehicle and thus been accepted as a fully-fledged Convoy-ite. The rites of initiation are too gruesome to describe in any detail here[1], but those who make it aboard are then said to have ‘oiled their back axles’.

An early reference to The Convoy stems from Stonehenge in June 1976. The authorities had intended to stop the annual Stonehenge Festival, but these plans were pre-empted when a convoy of vehicles (henceforth the Convoy) arrived on-site, hot drive from Challacombe Free Festival on Exmoor.

The Government put out the story that it was powerless to act because the ancient monument had been hi-jacked, and that any attempt to evict the festival-goers would likely result in hippies destroying the Stones. At this point The Convoy’s image had become that of a monstrous line of ships on a dark, storm-tossed sea – steaming without signals or lights, and leaving a trail of damaged police cars.

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Green Party Loyalists – EA Vol. VII


Green Party2

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

Green Party Loyalists – some of whom reside in Avalonia – are deeply wedded to the notion that a political party is needed as the cutting edge of an otherwise blunt, wider green movement.

The Loyalists pledge die-hard allegiance to a grouping known as the ‘Ghost Cabinet’ – an inner party committee that currently shadows the Labour Party’s ‘Shadow Cabinet’, which in turn (and outside of Avalonia of course) shadows the Cabinet of Her Majesty’s current government.

Having created a Ghost Cabinet, many Loyalists have spoken loyally as to why they needed take the ‘next logical step’ and create the post of Party Leader (i.e. Ghost Prime Minister). The argument proffered was that the Party needs a Leader so that the Queen will know whom to invite for tea at Buckingham Palace when they win a thumping great majority in Parliament at the next election (or perhaps, at most, the next election after that).

All aspiring leaders within the Party are thus carefully scrutinised by Loyalists as to their table manners. But this has been the downfall of more than one candidate: Iron Sid for example, whose years in the wild Welsh mountains took their toll when his predilection for skinning rabbits with a six-inch Bowie knife proved totally unacceptable to the Loyalist-dominated selection committee.

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Irish Rovers – EA Vol. IX


  Irish Rovers4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. IX …

The Irish Rovers (plural) should more accurately be called the Irish Rover (singular), because this tribe – with the exception of the Hobbits, and also the Church of the Unitarian – is the smallest in Avalonia.

The Irish Rover would in fact be surprised if you told him that he is in Avalonia, for the only thing he remembers each morning is the punch that knocked him out the night before. Sporting wild red hair, a battered red face and a boys-o’-the-black-stuff bobble hat, the Irish Rover has achieved a unique double in bodily-status: the only living being to be both permanently drunk and punch-drunk at one and the same time.

He has reached this exalted state by means of several, carefully-planned techniques. For starters, he never stops drinking unless overtaken, one way or another, by unconsciousness.

Secondly, he is master of the gratuitous insult. On discovering that someone is English, for example, he immediately shouts “You English bastard”. In the tourist season his repertoire expands, with variations ranging from “You German dickhead” and “You Finnish swine” to “You Estonian wanker”. If all else fails he seeks a different target group and lets fly with “You fucking biker” or “Sod off, you pig-faced skinhead”.

Thirdly, he never gives up. If an insult does not at first succeed in provoking, he tries and tries again (being indeed very trying). Such patience brings its own reward, often in the form of a visit to the local hospital.

Anthropologists from the University of Avalon have placed the Irish Rovers on their list of endangered tribes.

Irish Rovers:

  • Tribal refuge: Currently the Rifleman’s Arms
  • Favourite colour: Emerald Green, spangled with Scrumpy Orange and flecked with Bloody Nose Red
  • Favourite drink: Rubbing Alcohol, or else Punch
  • Favourite food: Guinness
  • Favourite film: Rocky XXIII
  • Tribal motto: “Veni, Vidi, Vinsulti” (I came, I saw, I insulted)

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Stonehenge Freedom Fighters – EA Vol. XVIII


Stonehenge1  Stonehenge4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XVIII …

The history of the ‘People’s Free Festival’ at Stonehenge is long and complex. It’s nearly as long and complex as the history of Stonehenge itself, and far too long and complex to do proper injustice here. Nonetheless, a brief summary is desirable …

Way back in the early 1960s, Mods and Rockers were in the habit of spending just one night, at the time of the Summer Solstice, on opposite sides of a very narrow trackway at Stonehenge. During the brief hours of darkness a temporary truce to hostilities was called, but this always ended when the first rays of dawn hit the Heel Stone. There were never any serious fatalities.

The first real Stonehenge Festival took place in 1975; the last in 1984, when Big Brother was watching just a little too closely. The Stonehenge Freedom Fighters took shape as an underground movement soon after, gaining especial impetus following the notorious “Battle of the Beanfield” in June 1985, when over 500 travellers on their way to Stonehenge were rounded up and arrested by the police.

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Eco-pagans – EA. Vol. V


Woods   Makeshift structure4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. V …

The eco-pagans live in benders, domes, yurts and other shelters, hidden away in leafy glades and bushy coombes. But the encroachments of modern civilisation have forced these shy, rarely glimpsed peoples ever deeper into the woods and forests of Avalonia. Even worse, these last few descendants of ‘the folk’[1] must constantly hide from professional explorers sent by government to impose British citizenship and enforce compliance with housing regulations.

Amateur bounty-hunters, drawn locally from the ranks of Glastonburgers, join this relentless search, whilst officials from Sheepdip District Council aid the hue and cry with maps, satellite imaging and tracker-dogs. Yet against this whole panoply of the modern state and its vast array of detection techniques, the eco-pagans have only tree-craft, sling-shots and green skin.

At first sight it seems an unequal battle. But unbeknownst to the powers-that-be, the powers-that-were-and-will-be-again are with these plucky little folk. Yes, the Goddess is stirring; the Priestesses of the Nine-fold Muse evoke Her olden names and Pan of the Woods is once again abroad his ancient green domain.

Eco-pagans:

  • Tribal refuge: Unknown
  • Favourite Only colour: Green
  • Favourite film director: Woody Allen
  • Favourite drink: Root beer
  • Favourite model: Twiggy
  • Favourite composer: Johann Sebastian Bark
  • Tribal motto: I was, I will, I wood

 

[1] See “faery folk”, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. V. Also see “Britons, ancient” (EA, Vol. II) and “Studies in Racial Genotypes and Gene-Pool Mixing” (published by the Dept. of Anthropology, University of Avalon).

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Hedge Monkeys – EA Vol. VII


child-hole-in-hedge-1

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

Hedge Monkeys are fledgling members of The Convoy (see here in Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIII) who have not as yet found a Convoy to join … or even a live-in vehicle in which to Convoy.[1]

They do, however, have nearly the right sense of dress-code.[2] Enormous heavy boots, worn unlaced, are kept on at all times, even in the hottest heat wave. Dirty overcoats are de rigueur, as is dreadlocked, matted hair. Mud is glorified and cleanliness castigated as middle class, thus making a virtue out of necessity. The more fashion-conscious sport a cloth cap, a “twatting stick’“, and mangy dog (either a whippet or a Jack Russell) which they drag around on the end of a string lead.

The dog and stick are meant to give the impression of an earthy, rural, rabbit-hunting, tree-nutting, rogue ‘o the road life-style. However, most Hedge Monkeys are actually born and raised in London, and it is therefore no coincidence that “dog and stick” is in fact Cockney rhyming slang for “rural hick”.

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The Bornabreds – EA Vol. II


peasants3 Peasants4

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II …

The Bornabreds are a special case. Though born and bred locally, and despite their ranks including stout Glastonburgers (aka ‘peasants’), a few have crossed the Rubicon to become Glastafari. Others, perhaps with relatives to placate, have stopped short of such drastic action and moved sideways to become quite alternative [see “altered natives”, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. I].

Man X [name removed] is a prime example of the Bornabred tribal genre. Whilst he bravely sat on the management committee of the controversial Assembly Rooms, the internal committee minutes from this period note that he “… wanted to stress that he was not a Hippy but a ‘normal Person’“. Unhappily this claim to normalcy was severely undermined when his previous career as a military policeman at RAF Waddington was uncovered. Even so, Man X is credited with describing the quintessential existentialist dichotomy of all true Bornabreds when he said “Every time I get two or three miles away from Glastonbury I feel like going on for ever and ever.” Unsurprisingly, therefore, he is resigned to his popular nickname – “Bondage”.

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Avalonian Independence Party – EA Vol. I


Golden appleAvalonia

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. I …

The stated aims and objectives of the Avalonian Independence Party (AIP) are:

“… to declare the autonomy of the Free State of Avalonia, otherwise known as the Crystal Isle, The Holyest Erthe in England, Island of Transparent Water, Caer Pedryvan, Isle of the Strong Door, The Twelve Hides, Island of Glass, Ynys-witrin, Isle of Avalon, Isle of Avilion, Island of the Hesperides[1], Isle of Apples, Isle of the Blessed and the New Jerusalem.”

It is widely believed that the AIP has a secret underground wing – A.P.P.L.E (Avalonian People’s Popular Liberation Experience) – though senior party spokespeople deny this.

A.P.P.L.E – especially its Provisional High Command – may be euphemistically described as ‘less-political’ and ‘more direct’ than the AIP. However, the Provisional High Command, alleged publishers of The Times of Avalonia, deny their alleged rank and dismiss all talk of contact with A.P.P.L.E. Indeed, in Issue 6 of their (alleged) newspaper they described the organisation as “completely outside the control of any human agency”.

The Avalonian Independence Party:

  • Tribal refuge: Avalonia
  • Tribal chieftains (alleged): Provisional High Command A.P.P.L.E
  • Favourite colour: Apple Green
  • Favourite drink: Cider
  • Favourite food: Apples
  • Favourite song: Jerusalem
  • Favourite film: Independence Day
  • Tribal motto: Our Day Will Come

[1]  Where the Golden Apples of Wisdom grow, tended by the Goddess Hera.

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