The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX …
Russian Orthodox Christians (ROCs) are pillars of the establishment who take a highly conventional – not to say orthodox – view of things.
In the ROC version of heaven everything runs along traditional lines, with Russian-speakers receiving the protection that they apparently need and Archangel Vladimir eventually sitting at God’s right-hand, tasked with making sure that everyone toes the line.
This task should not be too difficult, since only ROCs are allowed into ROC-heaven … except for a small corner allocated to their religious cousins – Greek, Serbian and other Orthodox Christians – on the understanding that they learn to speak Russian and engage in intense study of the principles of oligarchy.
Aside from watching gangster films, the main leisure activities in ROC heaven involve staging re-enactments of the glories of Russian history and drawing up lists of moral deviants, mainly those who don’t worship God Archangel Vladimir, for consignment to hell.
ROCs have a problem with hell, however. Its hot temperature sits uneasily with the Russian tradition of sending deviants to Gulags in the frozen Siberian wastes, whilst true believers go on holiday to the warmer climes of Crimea. Why, say the ROCs, should deviants ever be allowed to enjoy the warm locations, when these have always been historically part of Russia?
Luckily, the Archangel has a plan …