a maze of words leading to …?

Archive for November, 2014

Unexpected item in baggage area


Self checkout

There’s only so much a person can take, amidst the surround-sound of several automated check-out facilities, each endlessly blathering out their repetitive messages amidst a cacophony of bleeps and bongs.

Worn out by several times having had to “Please call for an assistant” and being advised that “Help is on the way”, I’d finally finished scanning in all my purchases and had come to the end-game.

“Select payment method”, came the instruction. I looked hopefully for a screen-button labelled ‘Theft: no payment method applicable’ … but it wasn’t there.

Then came my next visit.

“Please place your item in the baggage area”, said the machine. I complied, with a strange grin on my face.

“Unexpected item in baggage area”, it said, just before my foot smashed in the console screen. The nearby shoppers edged away.

“Yes”, I shouted back, “it’s an unexpected bomb that will blow your e-brains all the way to that big supermarket in the sky”. The nearby shoppers scattered.

“Approval needed”, chirruped our e-friend in reply, sounding somewhat peeved.

“That’s where you’re wrong”. I laughed. “You’ve got thirty seconds before it’s goodnight vienna.”

“Have you swiped your Nectar card?”, came the surprisingly cheery response.

This gave me momentary pause. Might as well, I mused, there’s still time and it’d be a shame to lose all those points.

I swiped, then ran like hell.

Over my shoulder, across the rapidly expanding distance, I heard ….

“Thankyou for using …”

Boom!

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At Random

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The Glastonbury Carnival – EA Vol. XX


Carnival1

Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XX …

Ah yes … the annual “Glastonbury Carnival”, much enjoyed by stout Glastonburgers[1].

To most people the word “carnival” conjures up images of people dancing in the streets, sultry night air, wild music and even wilder abandon. This is something of a contrast with the bizarre phenomenon that arrives in Glastonbury in the middle of each November. People come from far and wide to see it. Crowds of people, up to 100 million strong, line the streets, muffled to the eyebrows, their pinched and frozen faces seeming even whiter in the reflected glare of the ten billion light bulbs that edge and adorn the processional, tractor-drawn floats.

Each float blasts out a different song – usually “Tie a Yellow Ribbon”, “If I Was Rich Man” or one of Abba’s “Worst Hits” – and these raucous sounds compete both with each other and the yammering generators that are towed behind each float. No one in the crowd dances, for there is no room to move and you wouldn’t want to dance to these songs anyway. Besides, Glastonburgers – especially the stout ones – rarely dance and certainly not in public on an icy-cold High Street. Perhaps they are simply overwhelmed, pushed into hypnotic trance, by the sheer volume of sound and light. The exhaust fumes from 10,000 gallons of diesel fuel must also take their toll.

In fact the only people who dance are those on some of the floats. This “dancing” usually consists of a short sequence of vaguely synchronised movements, about 20 seconds for the complete routine, endlessly repeated over and over to the same jingle as the float grinds slowly along its bulb-lit way. The whole procession takes over two hours to pass. That’s a lot of 20-second dance-routines per float, more than 360 to be precise.

Each float has a different focus and judges award a prize for the best one. It’s a curious thing, but many of the themes seem to centre on sado-masochism. Witness, for example, a float called ‘The Flight of the Valkyries’: as Wagner’s dramatic music poured forth, a variety of scantily-clad men and women lustily whipped other scantily-clad men and women who were chained to poles on the ‘ship’s deck’. The crowd was suitably stunned, but this was possibly shock from the absence of an Abba song.

Preparations for this grand Carnival begin long beforehand, when the floats begin to take shape. The Glastonbury Times[2] has described how:

“All over the region miniature building sites ring to the sound of hammers and portable radios far into the night, and in a couple of months … traffic on the main roads will become chaotic as crocodiles of enormous edifices, their secrets coyly draped, lumber painfully up hill and down dale, followed patiently by vehicles large and small, unable to go about their lawful business until the sacred carnival floats reach their destination.”

The usual result, the article noted, was “Thirty or so Young Farmers doing a step-and-kick routine dressed as golliwogs.”

[1] Not be confused with Glastafari.

[2] Published by Unique Publications.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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The Molesworth Green Gathering


Molesworth 1

The cruise-missiles context:

The arrival of nuclear-tipped cruise missiles at Greenham Common airbase (Berkshire, England) led to huge protests and a long-running women’s peace camp around the base perimeter. This attracted world-wide attention.

Less well-known, the Conservative government planned to allow the installation of additional cruise missiles at Molesworth airbase (Cambridgeshire), which at the time was disused and unfenced.

The organisers of the Glastonbury Green Gatherings – myself included – thus decided to stage our next event at this airbase, on the airfield itself, before any missile-preparation construction work could begin.

The Gathering:

The Molesworth Green Gathering began in the late summer. Like our other Green Gatherings, it involved camping, entertainments, discussion groups, food stalls and so on. It was billed as a week-long gathering, but in reality we had planned for a permanent settlement to grow out of the event … and to this end had arranged for the Forestry Commission to innocently deliver a large number of logs for construction purposes.

Responding to our call for support and involvement, one group of people arrived with a huge black bull called Dharmaraj. Harnessed to a plough, this bovine monster began to carve a nearby chunk of the airfield into long, furrowed strips.

A single Ministry of Defence (MoD) policeman had then arrived to see what was going on, since nothing more active than sheep-grazing had happened on this base since the end of World War II.

Once a week or so, for the past several decades, an MoD patrol had made a bored circuit in their land-rover, checking that the 876 sheep which had been there last week were still there this week and had not been eaten by any escaped tiger (or perhaps even a leopard) which might be, you never know, out there somewhere. For added spice they usually detoured by a caravan which was sited towards the eastern perimeter, checking that the “rabbit-catcher” – a rather sinister figure who was wont to brandish a shotgun at the drop of a hat – was still living his solitary life and had not yet blown his brains out, nor those of anyone else, rabbits excepted.

On that particular day, however, a rather different experience was in store for our security-conscious friend. Already startled by the sight of children playing on brightly-painted wooden swingboats, and already shocked by the scale of our encampment and the sound of nails being hammered as wooden buildings went up, the man from the ministry was nothing short of amazed to see a harnessed bull actually ploughing up his base. For a long moment he stared, open-mouthed, unable to credit his senses …..

So a large and substantial “peace village” had quickly mushroomed. Moving far beyond a mere camp, alongside the wooden buildings it included a windmill, a well, and over ten acres under the plough. We even built a multi-faith stone chapel – named Eirene, the Greek word for peace – and this became officially consecrated ground, blessed by the (then) Bishop of Huntingdon, the Right Reverend Dr. Gordon Roe. (more…)

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Green Gatherings

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Methodists – EA Vol. IX


Methodism

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. IX ….

Methodists are just that – methodical. In their systematic search for Truth they leave few stones unturned and are therefore not welcome at Stonehenge.

There is method even in their madness, and for this reason the “method school” of acting is named after them.

This should not be confused with the “rhythm method” of Catholic thespians, who will only agree to full performances at certain times of the month, tending otherwise to withdraw from the stage before the play has reached its climax.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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GlastonSpeak – EA Vol. VII


Tor

Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. VII …

GlastonSpeak – The Essential Guide was compiled by a reader in mytho-linguistics at the University of Avalon.

Its original release into the public sphere was marred by confusion and controversy, as some of the publisher’s more unscrupulous sales staff sold copies into Tourist Information Centres on the false premise that the book was actually called Glaston’s Peak, an essential guide to the famous hill (Glastonbury Tor) that rises spectacularly above the surrounding Vale of Avalon.

Several law-suits were only narrowly avoided, especially when copies were purchased by a group of American tourists from the Bible Belt. These had not really wanted a book on mytho-linguistics in the first place. Indeed, several of them had great difficulty reading any text not peppered with words like “begat”, “sin” and “struck down” (AE editor’s note: we would say “liberally peppered”, but this seems inappropriate in the circumstances).

Although most of the text was beyond them, said tourists did strenuously object to an entirely whimsical entry under “American” which ran as follows:

“Originally, American was pronounced Amohican, derived from A Mohican, but that was before the national gene-pool declined.

Thus the popular term ‘red-neck’ refers to Americans who are either deeply embarrassed by the post-Mohican national decline, or else striving hard to gain a Mohican colouring.

The term is also used to describe the condition of those who’ve been soundly beaten about the upper shoulders with a Bible Belt.”

Litigation was only prevented when solicitors acting for the publishers claimed that the book was actually the work of the devil, and thus retribution – or “striking down” as the lawyers cannily put it – was best left in the thunderbolt-wielding hands of Jehovah. The Bible-Belters relented, saying it was the first piece of common sense they’d heard in a long while.

A few other excerpts from GlastonSpeak run thus:

  • “Half a mix” (colloquially, “Arf a mix”). This is a shouted public request / invitation, which translates as: “someone please give enough hashish for this next communal joint / pipe / chillum.” Though the origins are somewhat obscure, it is believed to refer to a half-and-half smoking mixture of cannabis sativa and tobacco.
  • “Blag”: beg, borrow or (if these fail) steal.
  • “Blim”: a little bit of hashish, or else a large bit, or else almost all the hashish that someone may have.
  • “Blag a blim”: obtain enough for the next joint / pipe / chillum. “Blim” in this context is a contraction of “Blimey”, which in turn is a contraction of “Blim me”. Originally, as in “well Blim me!”, it was an expression of astonishment that someone had actually given enough hashish for the next joint / pipe / chillum. Some scholars, however, argue that this declaration of amazement usually came after smoking the next joint / pipe / chillum.
  • “Blim a blag” means nothing at all. It’s a nonsensical expression used to confuse outsiders.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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Unitarians – EA Vol. XIV


Unitariansim

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia XIV …

Unitarians, as their name suggests, believe in one thing and one thing only – Unity.

They thus believe that it doesn’t really matter what they believe as long as they all believe the same thing.

Unhappily this rather vague doctrine has proved somewhat too shallow a basis for cementing congregational loyalty … so their flock has gradually fallen by the wayside[1], leaving just one member. The Unitarian Church – now called the Church of the Unitarian – has thus perfected its doctrinal expression and is finally assured of a stable future.

[1] Many have become Trinitarians – i.e. ex-Unitarians who are in three minds about it.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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Mormons – EA Vol. XII


Mormon1 Mormon3

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. XII …

Mormons are polygamous, but in practice this is difficult since very few women wish to live by a salt-encrusted lake in Utah.

Mormons believe that baptism by total immersion is necessary for salvation. This is unfortunate because the salt in question is highly corrosive. Luckily however, converts can now be baptised by proxy, for a fee, at the Mormon HQ in Salt Lake City. The life-volunteer who is used for this must face a daily average of around 500 salty dunkings. At first he didn’t mind too much, but has since become somewhat bitter.

Mormon followers include Donny Osmond and his brother disciple Jimmy.

Officially speaking the chief object of Mormon veneration is a hippy-like figure from Nazareth who loved people. But unofficially they prefer Jimmy’s hymn about a long-haired lover from Liverpool.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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Jehovah’s Witnesses – EA Vol. II


Jehovah's Witnesses

The Tribes of Christianity – Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II …

Jehovah’s Witnesses took their name after successfully providing evidence for the prosecution in the landmark trial of Jehovah vs. Jehovah.

Legal history was made when the court awarded Jehovah (the Father) custody rights over Jehovah (The Son). In so doing it dismissed the claims of Jehovah (The Holy Ghost), partly on the grounds that her/his evidence was immaterial and her/his case lacked all substance, but mainly because she/he was invisible and thus it was unsafe in law for the court to even presume her/his presence in the witness box. Summing up, the judge said that she had never seen anything like it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses meanwhile, having gained a taste for court-room drama, now go around hurling wild accusations at the drop of a mitre. In Avalonia for instance, a local raconteur and part-time spiv was accused by one such Witness of being a Satanist on the grounds that he has a black cat called Lucifer.

His case comes up next February.

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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The Indian Nation – EA Vol. VII


Tipi Circle3

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII …

It says much for the broad-minded tolerance of Avalonian citizens that they permit, even encourage, an entire separate country (the Indian Nation) to share their sovereign territory.

Being a tribal confederacy, the Indian Nation maintain strong links with their blood-brothers and blood-sisters outside of Avalonia – the semi-nomadic Tribe of Doris, for example, or the Black Valley Tipi Tribe, who are normally confined to a Reservation in mid-Wales.

Local pow-wows usually take place in the Glastonbury Assembly Rooms and are sometimes attended by Chieftains and Medicine People from the ancestral homelands in North America. These emissaries have exotic names like Sun Bear (no relation to Yogi), Harley Swiftdeer (runner-up in the 2001 Isle of Man TT), Dreamwalker (cousin to Sleepwalker) and Fire Wolf (Incendia Lupus).

Tribal members typically start their day by eating food derived from ‘power-plants’ (Cornflakes or Weetabix for instance) – whence the origin of the term ‘power-breakfast’. This is usually followed by a pipe ceremony which – depending on the size of the pipe, the power of its ‘power-contents’ and the number of participants – usually takes care of the rest of the day quite nicely.

At dusk, a ‘sweat lodge’ is normally taken to rid the body of the toxins absorbed from the pipe ceremony. Hot stones are placed in a small pit at the centre of a makeshift sauna. Since it is quite dark inside the sweat lodge, participants are very careful not to sit in the ‘power-spot’ as the resulting burns can be quite painful and the treatment of these (see below) even worse.

Before retiring to their tipis for the night, some tribal members take their ‘power-animal’ for a last walk, whilst others ritually strike their nearest neighbour with a false hair-piece. This obscure act, known as a ‘wig-wam’, usually causes little damage unless performed by an important tribal elder (aka a big-wig).

Any serious injuries brings into play a ‘Medicine Wheel’ – the Indian Nation’s main healing device. This large and heavy artefact is slowly rolled over the patient’s body. It does not effect a cure, but the severe pain induced does cause the victim to forget whatever it was they originally complained of.

The Indian Nation:

  • Favourite colour: Red
  • Tribal refuge: The Tipi Circle (Glastonbury Festival, Worthy Farm)
  • Favourite saying: Ho ! (a Hopi Indian expression of supportive concurrence, as in “Here, here”, or “Right On”, or “I’ll drink to that”)
  • Favourite power-spot: The King’s Field Totem Pole (Worthy Farm) [also see “Green Gatherings, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. VII]
  • Tribal motto: “A peace-pipe a day keeps the Medicine Wheel away”
  • Most common illness: None admitted
  • Least favourite sport: Squash
  • Least favourite vegetable: As above

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Encyclopaedia Avalonia

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