Spiral Scribbles

Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. XIII (unlucky for some) …

“Medieval Brigand” is synonymous with “member of The Convoy“ – being another name for a Hedge Monkey (see here) who has finally “obtained” a suitable vehicle and thus been accepted as a fully-fledged Convoy-ite. The rites of initiation are too gruesome to describe in any detail here[1], but those who make it aboard are then said to have ‘oiled their back axles’.

An early reference to The Convoy stems from Stonehenge in June 1976. The authorities had intended to stop the annual Stonehenge Festival, but these plans were pre-empted when a convoy of vehicles (henceforth the Convoy) arrived on-site, hot drive from Challacombe Free Festival on Exmoor.

The Government put out the story that it was powerless to act because the ancient monument had been hi-jacked, and that any attempt to evict the festival-goers would likely result in hippies destroying the Stones. At this point The Convoy’s image had become that of a monstrous line of ships on a dark, storm-tossed sea – steaming without signals or lights, and leaving a trail of damaged police cars.

It is widely held that Medieval Brigands are drug-crazed mutant marauders, cross-bred from pirates, cattle-rustlers, bandits and footpads, who would cut your throat as soon as look at you. Several Brigands do indeed try hard to live up to these expectations – at least in terms of surface appearance. For one example, see the man with melted flesh across his back and one arm burned off below the elbow (he consumed too many drugs at a festival, passed out and rolled into a fire). However, the archetypal Brigand in this respect is probably a man called [name withheld]. Tall and wiry, with a darkly tanned, deeply lined face, he has extremely mad and staring blue eyes, plus a five-pointed star tattooed on his forehead. Sporting a long sword and scabbard lashed to a makeshift belt, he strides around with one hand on the hilt as if preparing at any moment to swish it out and have at you.

If you ever meet this man, don’t ask him what he thinks of the Green Collective.[2]

The popular belief regarding Medieval Brigands is well-expressed – if a little under-stated – by the following front-page headlines: “Armed Cult in Sex Terror” (Daily Mail) ; “Hippy Gun Convoy in Trail of Destruction across Seven Counties  (The Sun); “Sex-Mad Junkie Outlaws make Hell’s Angels look like Little Noddy” (News of the World)”.

The notion of a single convoy – i.e. ‘The Convoy’ – is somewhat misleading. At any one time there are an indeterminate number of different convoys zig-zagging around the countryside. These are continually combining, splitting and re-combining in a random manner now known to follow the laws of quantum mechanics.[3] In practice, however, each Convoy – regardless of size – is capable of generating unlimited paranoia, shock, fear, loathing and panic. In terms of practical effect we may thus rightly suppose each convoy to be “The Convoy”. Indeed, as the Glastonburgers of Avalonia have learnt to say, “Sufficient unto the day be the one bus thereof”.

Medieval Brigands:

• Tribal refuge: The Convoy
• Favourite colours: Black; Paki Black; Afghani Black; Oil Black; Hot Knife Silver; Lebanese Red
• Favourite Only band: Hawkwind
• Tribal motto: “They who blag last, blim longest.”
• Hobbies: Pillaging, Looting and Begging
• Patron saint: St. Giro of Avalonia[4]

[1] See “barbarism”, Encyclopaedia Avalonia, Vol. II.

[2] See “Green Collective”, Encyclopaedia Avalonia Vol. VII; “Green Gatherings, Glastonbury, 1983”, EA Vol. VII; “Lambert’s Hill Farm”, EA Vol. XII.

[3] See the University of Avalon study: Convoys and The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

[4] See the forthcoming hagiography by Shamus Joy.